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B GRADE MOVIE POSTER REVIEWS
"The Vile Creature From The Green Lagoon"
For years the old ones had spoken of "the creature" that slept at the bottom of the Green Lagoon. No-one believed them, of course, and life in Swampton, (pop 234), continued with reassuring monotony. Then, one fateful day, a truck laden with thousands of little green cans vanished into the murky depths of the lagoon. Shortly after that, a local traffic officer reported seeing a "large slimy thing" sprinting along the roadside, a kilometre out of Swampton. Next thing, "Bess" Harper reported waking up next to "a huge lizardy thing with no hair and vile breath" – but it turned out to be her husband, Jed. Then, one night, while everyone was sleeping, the "creature" struck! First it broke into the public library, and studied furiously all night before doing a full cardio workout at the Swampton gym, tidying up 86 people's livingrooms, mowing 27 lawns, cleaning everyone's cars and doing all the dishes at the Swampton Diner. Then it streaked back to the lagoon, hoovered the bullrushes, fed all the frogs, and disappeared before anyone had arisen! This went on for almost two months before "the green" in the water supply dissipated and "the creature" went back to sleep.
Today in Swampton (pop 235), the old one's still speak of "the vile creature" that wandered the streets, belching and farting and scaring all the women! "God knows how Bess Harper put up with him," one of them said.
"Vampires Terrible Secret"
In this, "Brain Sucker's finest Transylvanian tale ever", Neck-hole Kidman and Tom Ooze play two hapless vampire Counts who indulge in a "live" feeding frenzy that goes horribly wrong!
Preying on the form of an innocent young student who is studying late into the night, thanks to the invigorating effects of a 4 pack of her favourite energy drink, the Counts discover, (to their peril), that whatever is in the young woman's bloodstream is definitely not for vampires! Drawing deeply on the young girl's neck they suddenly find themselves feeling abnormally alert and bursting with new-found vigour. As dawn approaches, the cadaverous couple are still so wired they can't enter the "Sleep of the Dead", (without which, of course, they cannot live to bite again!) In desperation they return to the scene of the crime, hoping to find the cause of their dilemma. Unfortunately the sun comes up and hastens their demise. In the coroners report, not seen by many, the Cause of Death is listed as "two definite counts of sunstroke." But are they really gone?
"Varsity Nightmare"
Suspicions began at Jackson High around the time Bruiser Benson, the school's head "Jock," installed a new titanium padlock on his locker. Some of the nerds sarcastically suggested, (not out loud in front of Bruiser, of course), that it was to keep the key safe inside! Then the impossible happened – Bruiser passed an exam!
It was a well-known fact that no jock had ever even finished a Times-Table test let alone passed an end-of-year exam in the entire history of Jackson High. Naturally cheating was immediately suspected, but as Miss Madison, the Physics teacher pointed out, Bruiser wasn't bright enough to cheat. And besides he wasn't the only jock suddenly doing well in class. To the horror and disbelief of the schools 400 nerds, the entire football team had become overnight academics. Worse still, they were handsome, strong, big, fast, well-dressed, rich, helpful and extraordinarily polite – which made them irresistible to every girl and woman teacher at Jackson High. What was the Jock's secret – and did it have anything to do with the 400 empty V cans found in Bruiser Benson's locker shortly after he left two days before his 17th birthday, to run the NASA Space Program?!
"Revenge of the Zombies"
From the very bowels of Oblivion they came, their putrid flesh gangrenous and green against the fading light of day. From the aworm-winning director of "The Sound Of Mucous" comes "Revenge of the Zombies," a bizarre tale of torment and terror, set in a cemetery that mysteriously comes to life!
What drew these desperate denizens of darkness and decay into the land of the living? What was it that transformed these morbid monsters of maggot and mould into the party animals from Hell? Was it the seductive stench of Sarah, the Sexton's deceased sister – or was it something to do with the fully-stocked green dispensing machine, delivered accidentally to the wrong address with – you guessed it – grave consequences! Don't miss Alfred Hitchcorpse's "Revenge of the Zombies," (screening at a cinema near you tomb-orrow!).
"The Vixen"
No man, married or single, was safe from her charms. In a town torn by jealousy and lust, she was the scissors! In a suburb scorched by the white heat of lust, she was the sun! In dingy bars on Mainstreet, men muttered her name with fear and excitement. In kitchens and crochet clubs all over Clinton, women whispered and worried. What was her secret? What was it that made perfectly-contented men with winsome young wives leave their families for just one night with… "The Vixen"?
Some said it was her body – or even just parts of it! Others said she was a witch who cast hapless males under her spell. And what of the mysterious deliveries that always preceeded evenings of excess in that unadulterated "street of shame"? In the end it came down to one man – the town's only Private Dick, (the mayor said all the others had already gone public), who could tame her. But could he…?
"Invincible"
The cats were uneasy. Too much was going down for a man to chill, and besides, the film had only just started. Vibe on the street was that "Vinnie" was back, that the crazy dude was planning to lay something heavy on the brothers for making him take all the heat. But Vinnie was cool – even had a 9 to 5, "delivering" for the man, if you know what I mean. That's about when the cat started to change, grew the big hair, got the shades, stopped hangin out. Then someone heard. Vinnie was dealing. Big time. Not H. Not O. Not E. Vinnie had moved right to the top of the alphabet. He was dealing V!
They say the can gives a man time to think – imagine how much thinking you can get done with four cans?! The city was never the same after that. Vinnie said working for the man was the best thing that ever happened to him. Said it had given him a real wake-up call. Said it happened, suddenly, in the middle of one afternoon…
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